I'm going to divulge some personal information about my first time.
In my book, The Virgin Diaries, I shared my story but like all the others, it's anonymous. I am not going to repeat the entire story here but will focus on why I chose to do it and how I felt afterward.
The Virgin Diaries focuses on the emotional aspect of what it feels like to have sex for the first time. Most of us know the mechanics but the big mystery lies in the unknown. Does it hurt? What goes on through one's mind? Are there regrets?
When I was 16, I had a boyfriend. I'll call him Dave. We lived about thirty miles away from each other. He had a car and I didn't (because of this, he had the control on when we could see each other). He attended school with my best girlfriend and she gave me the inside scoop on his life. Dave had another girlfriend who I'll call Mary. I knew about Mary and I believe she knew about me. But Dave had charisma and clearly we both put up with him.
I thought I was in love with him. He fascinated me. He was a "Death Rocker." Now he would be described as "Goth." He wasn't very attractive, a little overweight and his clothes were terrible. Despite his appearance, he was gentle, not a fighter. Not dangerous. More a thinker. He wrote underground papers against the "establishment." He had (and still has) an eloquent way of putting words together. He was also as tall as I was (6 feet). I was taller than most of the boys I knew. His height was a big plus. The picture I included above is just around the time of this story. Dig my hair (cringe). The the dark haired girl is the best friend I mention. It was taken in 1985.
Dave was 18 and I was 16. Officially and legally, sex between two people of these ages is considered statutory rape. This is what the law dictates. But Dave didn't rape me. It was my choice to lose my virginity with him. An adult who read TVD made a comment about this very point and asked me why I didn't comment on it. I really didn't want any commentary in the book. I chose to only provide readers with the stories. TVD doesn't advocate sex nor does it advocate against having it. There were other stories in the book where the male was underage and the female was in her 20's or older. The truth is that many younger people who have sex fall into this category. My mother knew Dave's age and a month or so after I lost my virginity with him, I told her about it. She wasn't surprised and she wasn't angry. Please keep in mind, this is my story, my experience.
Back to my story. I was so into Dave and wanted him to choose me. I knew I was better looking than Mary and my immature mind thought that if I gave him what she was giving him (sex), he would choose to only be with me. Yes, I realize how stupid and vain that sounds but it was how I saw things at that time.
I told him I wanted to go all the way. The first time we tried, it just didn't happen. To be blunt, it didn't go in. I was not aware this could happen and was surprised. I remember us trying several times but it never happened. A month or so later, I decided to try again. This time it worked and it HURT!!! A LOT!! I knew about the hymen and expected the pain but really, it was awful. There was absolutely NO PLEASURE. The scene was not romantic. Nothing about my first time was romantic. Overall, it was pretty bad. Pain and no fun.
Afterward, I felt no regret. I was glad to have finally crossed over into the world that all my girlfriends had known and told me about. I knew sex didn't hurt every time, so I wasn't put off by the pain. But most importantly, I was now convinced that I would be loved more and that Dave would choose to be monogamous with me.
Guess what??? NOT THE CASE! Dave now got to enjoy sex with both of his girlfriends. We broke up within weeks. I cried and cried and though I still didn't regret my decision, I will say that if I had waited and lost it with someone who valued me more, my experience would have probably been better. But I don't believe that how I lost it colored my opinion about sex in a negative way. Dave was an ass, in my opinion, but that was more about his character. I expected something and that was my mistake.
Parents, educators and religious figures will tell you what you should do but in the end, it's your choice. Whether you choose abstinence or not, sex is up to you. It's important that you understand it's not going to make anyone love you more or less in most cases. It can deepen love that already exits but it won't create it. It certainly isn't a bargaining chip. I learned that the hard way. It was hard for me because I wanted Dave to love me only. I thought sex would be the answer. It wasn't.
For me, it wasn't earth shattering. My life didn't change dramatically. But it was a pivotal experience, as it is for most (including males). I will not give advice other than to really think about what you want for yourself.
While it was happening, I don't remember thinking anything other than how much it hurt. My grandmother always believed that women have the more difficult time when it comes to sex. That we are more emotional and can get hurt more than a male can. I don't entirely agree with her but for the most part, she is correct. Females want the love. Males don't always have to have it (OK, some females don't either) but to be general, the girls are very emotional and when we give our bodies to someone, it really means a lot, no matter if it's your first time or when you're an adult.
 |
Kimberley A. Johnson (BIO) – A.K.A. The Anti Coulter is the author of The Virgin Diaries and an activist for women’s rights. Like her on Facebook, Twitter or friend her on FB HERE. |
No comments:
Post a Comment